Father & Daughter
Lotti describes an incident in a local cafe where a child of about 6 becomes annoying. She poses the question “What does anyone do in that situation?” We discuss managing the incident in the here and now, and also how to minimise the chances of similar incidents arising in the first place. I mention “the deal”, which will be a permanent theme of these podcasts, and what the adults’ responsibility is to the child before they even enter the cafe. The role (and morality!) of ‘devices’ as a distraction technique is discussed, as are the dangers of telling a child off. We talk about boundaries and clarity, and seeing things from the child’s viewpoint. We talk about taking children to the supermarket where Supernanny gets a mention as does a screaming, prostrate 3 year old of our intimate acquaintance.
This episode flows from us reviewing the first episode. I worry about coming across as “Mr Perfect” and we talk about the fact that my advice mostly stems from my reflections on my mistakes as a parent. Lotti wants to personalise this episode by talking about us as a family, and so we talk about us visiting cafes. I talk about my self-appointed role as ‘boundary supervisor’ and the opportunity it gave for the children to grow in confidence in their dealings with adults. The ‘preparation’ role of the dinner table at home gets a mention; a surprising impression of “Dad being lazy”; the potentially explosive issue of money; life lessons in general; more ‘preparation’. The episode finishes with a mildly amusing anecdote about dealing with a ‘normal Dad’
Wow! This is a long one. Lotti listened to the last episode and spotted that she had asked me a question and I hadn’t answered it. It was to do with my approach to limiting conflict between me and the children, and between the children and each other. The episode begins with me explaining my view that going out to a cafe is a predictable area of conflict and that the chances of conflict arising can be minimised with some thought and preparation. The conversation then ranges across a range of subjects including: appeasement, television (devices), bedtime, chores/money, tidiness/communal space, bedrooms, dinner table etiquette/eating manners, food, emotional investment in eating from the parents, cutlery and religion. Most, if not all, of these subjects are very likely to crop up in later episodes and discussed in more detail.
This is long, too. From the “Conflict” episode Lotti wants to know why I chose Martha sitting (rather than standing) at the dinner table as a battleground? We go over ‘picking your battles’ and talk about classic battlegrounds: table manners; defiance; tidiness; communal space; clothes; washing. “The Deal” is mentioned and the connection between obedience at home and feeling safe outside the home. Also, the advantage to children of experiencing the consequences of their actions in a safe and loving environment. The profound implications for adult life in the question: “Mum! Where’s my shirt?” Why you can trust your instincts and when to have a re-think. How much easier it is if you win the big battles right from the beginning and don’t let anything pass. The episode ends with an anecdote about Martha and her coat.
Sorry, Dad, you’re Number 3
At the end of the last episode Lotti said that we should go back to the beginning. So she asks me if there is anything I would want to pass on to my daughters at the point that they tell me that they are pregnant. My Number 1 piece of advice is that as a pregnant Mum they are Number 1. That is, it is not the baby and it is not the Dad. The Mum needs to look after herself and to let herself be looked after: ‘sacrificial Mum’ behaviour is not helpful. We talk about the role of anxiety and its relationship to “colic”. We get to talk about a possible preventative “cure” for colic, and the crucial importance of sleep, and the importance of eating and its connection to breast feeding. Finally, I get to show why this podcast is entitled “Sorry, Dad, you are Number 3”.
At the beginning of the last episode Lotti made the hypothetical statement “Dad, I’m pregnant” and we talked about what I would say. Since making that episode Mabel has, with immaculate timing, said to me very unhypothetically: “Dad, I’m pregnant.” So we thought it would be a good idea if we got her to join the podcast and all three of us chat about Mabel being pregnant. We talk about the worries; we talk about getting pregnant; we talk about the future. I’m afraid the quality of the recording isn’t up to the usual standard because Mabel was on an internet connection from Sweden: but we think it is just about good enough to put up as an episode.
In this episode we carry on the theme of being pregnant, including the role of parents when they are about to become grandparents. We focus on managing anxiety both in the pregnant woman and in those around her, and stress the importance of acknowledging anxieties and of sharing them so that they can be put into their proper perspective. “Call the Midwife” gets a mention as does long-term murder statistics; and we talk a lot about scans, a bit about baby monitors and end up talking about the ubiquitous presence of opinions. Finally, we get to celebrate the sheer miracle of pregnancy and the sheer privilege of becoming a parent.